so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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