i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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