I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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