so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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