My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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