brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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