OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
