I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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