I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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