Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
