Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
