You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
MIDGETS
????
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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