I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
