Can i not drive my cunt home
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
