Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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