I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
