When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
