Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
