So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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