Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
