I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We need to get me chipped asap
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
