Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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