Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I party with great urgency now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
