Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Randomize
