Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
