It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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