worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
