Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
