you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
