i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
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Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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