Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
