i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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