if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
