I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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