My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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