Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
