my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
