theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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