"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
