I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
