I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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