Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
