Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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