i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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