What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
