I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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