Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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