Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
