wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
