i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
