Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
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I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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