Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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