He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
