Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
