he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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